Lines Letters Words Stories Life
by westpoints
Summary: [complete]'Maybe it didn't matter what was acceptable, and where did you go after acceptable didn't matter' Kelsi and Sharpay via questions, selfdoubt, Chiclets, James Joyce, and more selfdoubt. Bittersweet Kelpay.


Before you continue, you might want to read **StarVitamin**'s "If You Run the Wrong Way" because I basically jacked her style (James Joyce would love us!) and femmeslashed it. It's brilliant, and you should read it. more on my end at the bottom.

Disclaimer: oh, if only.

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Walls lined with tiles, almost white, glossy, even. An old mosaic waiting for a drop of fresh paint. Or Chiclets, maybe, rows and rows of peppermint gum that she had pined for at the checkout counter for weeks until her mother gave in. (They had tasted like cardboard. Peppermint-y cardboard, but cardboard all the same.) Or—and this one stuck in her mind—maybe teeth. Disembodied teeth. And though she'd never heard it before, Kelsi cringed at the idea of stepping on teeth. 

She imagined that it would sound like innocence being crushed. Not the death of innocence, but the absolutely agonizing shattering of childhood mythology, the first spiderweb line in the Tooth Fairy's ice.

Because the innocence, the fairy tale, wasn't gone completely, not yet, but she _knew_ that it would be gone, one day, and maybe that was the worst part, knowing that the end was coming and not being able to do anything about it. Like stepping on a tooth, and at the first crunch, knowing what would happen but still unable to stop the foot, the damned stubborn foot, from going down anyway.

And then a foot fell outside the door, and Kelsi's eyes widened as she realized no one walked on walls, maybe she was going crazy, but the walls were tiled they were tiled they were glossy white tiled, clean clean clean and oh god this was the theater bathroom and Sharpay had found her.

Sharpay had found her and in the maddening seconds before the door opened Kelsi's mind went into overdrive and BAM there was the adrenaline rushing in, epinephrine coursing through her heart like a broken dam, rushing in her fingers toes head ears, flight or flight response terrorizing her limbs.

And then the door opened and Kelsi knew why deer get caught in headlights why they didn't run why that flight or flight response didn't happen because they're frozen, they _can't _move their brains won't let them it's just too much for anything to happen at all, and Kelsi couldn't move either, stood rooted dumbly to the spot and then door opened.

Sharpay glided calmly into the bathroom stopped short of uncomfortably close, which was still uncomfortable now, now now now that they were in the same room together, the same room just like five minutes ago, (five? four? three?) when fingers slipped down nose cheeks chin and Kelsi had run like a scared rabbit, a scared dark rabbit cornered in a room of white.

She opened her mouth and a sound came out, but what would she say, how, how would she say what she didn't know a second mouth was covering hers and lips teeth tongue heat cold fingers on her face, Sharpay Evans was kissing her Sharpay Evans was _kissing _her, Sharpay Evans was kissing _her_, and hands were running through cool dry water if waster wasn't so wet it would feel like Sharpay's hair, nails digging into her own scalp too many adjectives or maybe too many verbs couldn't remember which one was bad and which one was good.

It was wrong all the feelings all the need all the desire all holy god they were just freshmen (or maybe holy god they're already freshmen) and maybe this was something college kids did when they weren't vulnerable or young or impressionable or maybe it's okay if they were girls so long as they didn't fall in love—oh shit.

And Kelsi pulled away, expected not to see anyone but those stupid walls laughing at her, saw Sharpay, saw ruined lip gloss disheveled hair and decided that the forbidden fruit tasted exactly like Sharpay Evans. Exactly like apples lies rain sin but what did the bible say about homosexuals bestiality adultery Adam Eve damn she should have gone to church more but apples lies rain sin tasted so good can't stop will die can't stop will die can't stop will die.

Stop. Sharpay stopped this time, smile creep over those lips, perfect, smudgedly perfect lips, whispered "sounds echo" dragged Kelsi out back into theater backstage props room because there was a cot but kept them standing, kissing, lips tongue teeth.

Mouths fused too hot maybe humans weren't meant to be this hot or maybe Sharpay just wasn't meant to be near humans no other reason why it was so hot shirts _gone_, fingers playing over stomach ribs and wait where was—

"Home already," Sharpay murmured into her mouth, reading her mind.

Well okay then.

Jeans _gone _underwear _gone _skin skin skin this was the closest she could possibly get to Sharpay Evans and it wasn't enough she was so hungry for more, captured the apples lies rain sin once before Eve began her way down neck shoulder chest and Kelsi almost collapsed but Sharpay held her close close too close, can't move won't move not even when apples lies rain sin came back up to her own mouth, fingers now, cold fingertips hot palms, and maybe that was how it was supposed to be, cold at one end and hot at the other so that somewhere along the way warm made itself.

But fingers were heating up, trailing down stomach tickling like ripples in a pond, barely there but still _there_, and breath caught and Sharpay paused and somewhere in the middle the words "I like guys" floated over their heads.

Kelsi wanted to shove a prop wand down her throat.

"The question isn't whether you like guys, Nielsen."

And then it was no wonder Adam gave into Eve who could resist apples lies rain sin fingers lips tongue teeth but then again Adam wasn't a girl, maybe there was something else, maybe there was something wrong about this but that wasn't the question was it and this wasn't _But I'm a Cheerleader_ but even so this was still the Southwest, and even if they lived next to California San Francisco the cesspit of America den of iniquity (or was it indemnity?) this wasn't acceptable was it.

But god it just and the with the and then Sharpay smiled and then _Kelsi_ smiled and kissed trailed fingers warm shaking and _Sharpay's_ breath caught and maybe it wasn't bad, because good stuff in moderation was still good and by god this was in moderation. Maybe it didn't matter what was acceptable, and where did you go after acceptable didn't matter?

No room for guilt with Sharpay, none whatsoever, and there was screaming and gasping and a collapse onto the cot. Kelsi waited for Sharpay to speak, for her to say "oh god what did I do?" for her to finish stepping on the damn tooth, but she never did. So Kelsi got up slowly, found her clothes, and even if she didn't say "oh god, what did I do?" it hung there, like the "I like guys" over their heads like an angry nimbus cloud, threatening rain but never raining, because after all, the stickiness in the air before a storm was the worst part...

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So now, two years later, two years after this, Kelsi sat in her own bathroom and stared at her own walls, trimmed with tiles, tiles that looked like teeth and her mind was spinning spinning just like that day, that first day when she thought in words and not commas or periods or anything just words... 

It wasn't supposed to progress, wasn't supposed to go any further than maybe one day when they were both young and impressionable and vulnerable, but it did, of course, it always did.

But the tooth hadn't cracked yet, the box of Chiclets still untasted, innocence still there, somewhere, in the middle of "All in This Together" and Jason.

Still there with Jason (sex with a guy was just like sex with a girl, only girls knew what to do with a bra), still there until _today_, today because there was a time wasn't there after Gabriella happened, when they didn't see each other, didn't give in.

But then, Sharpay was still there, still apples lies rain sin, always in her vision, a shadow of temptation, until today _today_ when in a moment of weakness (or a moment of strength since, for Kelsi at least, it took a lot of strength to give in and none at all to just deny herself Sharpay) there they were, seven months and nothing changed but everything changed everything changed in junior year and now for the first time everything just felt _wrong_ about the whole thing and it took her two years to feel how wrong it was.

Sharpay sauntered into the bathroom, and Kelsi inhaled, air rushing in through her nose before a shriek could escape through her mouth. "Relax, it's not like you were naked."

"Sharpay."

"And even if you were, it's nothing new to me."

"Sharpay!"

"Either way, it's still just a clear view to your feet."

Kelsi chose not to answer that.

Sharpay sat next to her on the floor, nose wrinkling at the cold linoleum floor. For some reason, Kelsi could think a lot clearer when she was around. "Not that I care, but what are you thinking about?" and two years of thinking sort of cut off any kind of censorship.

"The question. The question wasn't whether I liked guys."

"I didn't doubt the answer to that."

"The question was whether I liked girls."

"And I got the answer to that." So that was it. That was the whole thing, just the answer to a question, no love or lust or anything just a simple simple question...

"Is there something wrong with us?" Kelsi asked.

"Probably."

"No, really. I'm not...I don't think I'm..."

"You're straight, Nielsen." Kelsi frowned. "You're absolutely, completely, William Tell's arrow straight." Sharpay didn't look at her, and now Kelsi realized that she'd never really known what color Sharpay's eyes were just assumed they were blue but they weren't they were brown, light, hazel-y brown and for once she didn't believe Sharpay. "You are a straight girl, Kelsi, except for me."

The tooth crunched, horribly, and Kelsi winced, wondered if Sharpay believed herself, if she believed Sharpay, if Sharpay was _right_. (was it possible to be gay for just one person? a Sharpay-sexual?)

"What about you?"

Sharpay's mouth quirked up and Kelsi found herself thinking apples lies rain sin, almost didn't catch the words "I fall in love with people" but definitely noticed "people," not "men" not "women" just people but the apples lies rain sin just...

Lips tongue teeth. No more fairytale now no more innocence ice broken tasted like cardboard because even if they weren't wrong two years ago they're wrong now so wrong Monica Lewinsky wrong (maybe they could also play the "did not have sex" card, since technicalities...) ignore the fact that Sharpay's fingers were so deft compared to Jason's no room for guilt with Sharpay but somehow it learned to wait outside the door...

Foot went all the way down to the floor tooth ground into a fine powder and Kelsi twisted, hoping that Sharpay's voice would drown out the drilling sound in her head must stop will die must stop will die must stop will die.

But it didn't stop, and even in senior year, when her brain had enough time to get used to it, the grinding sound still echoed in her skull, too much, and the air grew stickier under the symbolic nimbus cloud.

Sticky and gross until the storm broke and Sharpay said distinctly "It's either me or Jason," and the foot lifted from the floor the ice finished melting and all the _stupid_ symbolism was used up.

And then Kelsi was free enough to say "No. It's either me or Chad."

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Years went on, no more teeth, no more Chiclets, no more tiled bathrooms, and one day she ran into Sharpay again, sort of, in a way only she wasn't Sharpay anymore not really she was married they were both married and even if someone like Sharpay never did change the ring was there and both of them respected rings and why was it always years that separated their encounters why not centuries or lifetimes? 

"Chad?" Kelsi asked.

"I fall in love with people."

It was the wrong answer to the wrong question, and maybe that was what made it right in the

-end-

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Okay, my turn again. First of all, the title has nothing to do with the story, except maybe the random stream-of-consciousness sequence. 

I have AP exams this week. I had two last week and two this week. Now, normally that would mean no writing whatsoever, but when I'm studying, I try to get distracted. I've alphabatized my books twice, rearranged my closet, re-hung all my poster (on the ceiling, no less) and finally I read "If You Run the Wrong Way," and was completely seized with a desire to jack the style. In a borderline-M rating, but I think I'm safe. I've also included five thousand allusions and metaphors and similes in preparation for my AP English essays I'll have to write, so maybe something productive did come out of this.

Hrm. Those of you who've read my other work, this is, intentionally, an expansion of 'Clean Getaway,' because seriously, I would love for all my Kelpays to take place in that universe.

Review?


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